C in math, F in not eating everything

Things might be getting a lot worse for dumb kids in Texas, as legislators mull over a proposal to grade kids on their weight. Under the plan, "school districts would be required to include the body mass index of students as part of their regular report cards." correlating education with health sends the clear message: Even the smartest fat kid in Texas is still a fat kid, and in Texas, that just ain't smart.

Breaking with an almost unsullied tradition of slandering Texans, I'm going to come out in support of this legislation. To commemorate the occasion, I'll use fiery rhetoric in the style of an Evangelical, minus most of the religious intolerance. It's high time we begin undoing the damage caused by a Jew-controlled entertainment industry that teaches our children, through its unholy four-headed triumvirate of Kirstie Alley, Delta Burke, Kelly Osborne and Fat Albert, that being husky is somehow okay. People in our permissive, politically correct society think fat people can lead happy, productive lives. Well I know someone who thinks otherwise. That someone is named God, and last time I checked, sloth was a deadly sin. Kids in Texas are sinning to the tune of 33%, that's more sin than even France or the Vatican can muster. Where I come from, education takes a back seat to salvation.

Know who was fat? Buddha, and look what Satan has done with him. New-agers try to tell you how similar the teachings of Jesus and Buddha were. I say look to the waistline and therein know the difference. The history of man is rife with plus-sized false prophets.

And now, to hedge myself against the secularist establishment, let me use their graven idol of science to do God's work. Researchers have documented that after meals the human body diverts energy from all over and puts it to work in the digestive tract, often creating a feeling of lethargy and an inability to concentrate. Now, in the body of a serial-eater, someone who will--with satanic relish--pack away untold thousands of calories a day, the digestive system monopolizes energy to fuel the near-constant process of shuttling waste material through the intestines like a midnight train to Georgia, leaving an anemic and undernourished intellect in its wake. Protest if you must, them's facts and figures.

There's another aspect to this, one long forgotten in today's politically correct classroom. The playground is a place of complex socio-political wrangling, a place where lessons unlearned quickly translate into friends unmade. The modern educator can't hope to teach children everything they need to survive in this networked, rolodexed world of power lunches and Christ-mandated hyper-Capitalism, but including the BMI on report cards will reinforce one of the fundamental truths of succeeding in an image-driven society. Nobody likes a fat kid. They smell, they breathe loudly and they steal your lunch when you aren't looking. F_(chubby)=undesirable. That's the arithmetic of popularity, baby, and it's way more important than long division.

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In all seriousness, do kids who already have low self-esteem need a quantification of their inability to stack up to beauty norms? I understand the health implications and definitely see the value in education to battle obesity but this needs to be implemented in a more compassionate way.

'There is no emoticon for what I'm feeling.'